Oh well...

So, it's Sunday evening and I've got to say it's been a pretty crappy ending to a fairly rubbish week.

It all started last Monday when what had just been a tickley cough erupted into a mild chest infection. Along with that, me and the OH weren't on great terms because of something that happened at the weekend.

As the week went on it was nice to have time off work as I really do hate my job, but I was bored and sick of being stuck inside. I also had no motivation to do anything and my chest seemed to actually get worse, not better.

On Tuesday my OH came over after work and we sat down and had a three-hour chat about everything and we seemed to clear the air. I also got him nailed down on a few of our 'planned' holidays and this wasn't so good as he decided he didn't want to go to Australia in September for 3.5 weeks, but could only afford to take a week off because of work. Just to explain, we're both freelancers, however whereas I have contracts for 3-12 months, he has them almost on a day-to-day scenario. I was a little annoyed about the Australia holiday falling through as I haven't had any long period off since November last year because I thought we were going away, however what got me a little more vexed was that fact we were now only going to do a week somewhere in Europe. But, I understood and accepted that if he hasn't got the money/time then there isn't much I can do about it.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were pretty uneventful. I tried to get some photos made up into prints for some large photo frames for my walls (about 3ft by 2ft) but the only place that could do it on the high street wanted £40 a picture, which I wasn't willing to pay. There is another service offering the same quality print for £8 but they take 7 days and I wanted it in time for a party on Saturday, so that went to pot, slightly.

Saturday came and this was the really big roller coaster day for me. Spent most of the morning running around like an idiot, tidying up, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom etc, in preparation for a party I was holding in the afternoon/evening. I knew the OH was having a lie in as he's been getting up for work at 3.30 every morning for a couple of weeks now, but when I hadn't heard from him by 12 I thought I best text him. This should have been a warning to me really. Oh, I best explain, my OH has his own place.
I ask him to come over about 2.30 and to bring a few things. He was meant to be cooking some pizzas for the party (he's a chef by trade) and helping me host. Well he arrived about 2ish brought in the things I asked him to pick up, took out some rubbish and said that he'd need to move his car as he was parked on double-yellows. He goes out the door and about 10 minutes later I realise he hasn't knocked on the door to be let in (he forgot to take the keys) and as I go to pick up my mobile I get a text from him saying he's gone home as he's not in the mood for a party and didn't want to spoil the day for me. Too late! He did admit it was pretty shitty and said he was a cunt for doing it, but he wasn't in the mood. Well this floored me. Just when I thought things were improving after 2 months of him being distant, cold and not seeming to care he does this. I'm happy to say I blubbered for a bit, but then bit my bottom lip and carried on tidying and cooking, preparing for my guests. I sent a text back saying I was foaming with him but wasn't going to have it out as I'd probably say something I'd regret but he needed to sort himself out as I only have a finite amount of patients. If I'm honest and this had happened at about 11 AM, I'd have jumped in my car and went over to his straight away to have it out with him there and then, however with only 30 mins until I was expecting guests I couldn't do it.

So, the only good part of my week was actually the party. Not many people turned up, but then I didn't expect many to as I now no longer live in London and it's holiday season, not many people wanted to come or were able to come. But I had some good friends come round and enjoy what I had cooked for them. We had Pimms, beer, wine, good music, interesting conversation and a pretty good time overall, to such an extent that I nearly forgot what happened earlier on in the day. However, as soon as they left I was down again and left with my own thoughts. Now these thoughts aren't bad thoughts, I know I'm a good, giving person and probably the worst thing I had done was snore, but you know what it's like, you do start to question yourself a bit. And lying there, in bed, things just went round in my mind. I hardly slept at all, which is never good.

I get up today with a slightly more positive note. No longer wallowing in self-pity but planning my immediate future as I sort of had a bad feeling about what might happen today. I was browsing the Internet, looking at holiday ideas, seeing where in the world I wanted to go. I came up with some ideas as well as coming up with some longer-term plans (that is for a blog on another day) and felt happy about what I came up with. I got up, had breakfast, watch TV, had a shower and waited in as I hoped that the OH might actually turn up after work today and apologise properly. Well I sat here until 6 PM (he finishes at 3, but then has a bit of a drive depending on traffic) and then realised he wasn't coming so jumped in my car and went to his house.

I knocked and got no reply, but his car was outside his door so I knew he was in. I knocked again and then he came to the door. He acted very casual and said I should have let him know I was coming over. Without going into too much detail we had it out, not in a big argument stylee, but just a calm conversation about what happened yesterday and essentially he's decided that this relationship was turning into something much bigger than he expected and 'could handle right now'. So, while trying and failing to hold back the tears, I left quite rapidly and drove home. As soon as I got out the front door and shut it behind me I just let go and the tears streamed from me and I started to hyperventilate slightly. I have to say it's the first time I've experienced hyperventilation and it wasn't nice, especially as I was trying to drive a car.

So that's the story of my past week. I end it on a very down note where I'm now single. Not a great ending but hey ho, tomorrow is another week.

Right, it's time for my bed as I have an interview tomorrow. Night night xx